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Recently I was reading my devotionals and a key word kept coming up…HEART, and I began to think of broken hearts.

A Broken Heart is usually thought of regarding the emotion of love lost…either through a breakup or death. But what about a physically broken heart, one that cannot beat properly and needs a pacemaker, a defibrillator, or even a surgical bypass.

Over the years I’ve had many of the emotional kind.

Some years ago after being hospitalized for tests to check my heart after an anxiety episode the cardiologist informed me my heart was that of a 16 year old. So, this recent ambulance trip to the ER, even though I thought I was having a major anxiety attach, brought shocking news that my heart was in Afib (atrial fibrilation), and after being moved to the hospital’s other campus to its cardiology unit I was informed I would need a pacemaker. I now have a physically broken heart, and internal scars wrapped around the wires to the pacemaker all to keep my heart beating properly. After several years the little mechanical device will wear out and the doctor will have to replace it with a new one.

How do we heal the emotional broken heart! Time and prayer. God is the only one who can heal that brokenness, and He may do so in a variety of ways. But first He will help us to healing within ourselves. We do need to love ourselves before we can truly love others.

My big question is, where is our emotional heart. Surely those “heartfelt” feelings don’t actually come from the physical heart in our bodies. Where did the idea of the emotional heart come from. So I Googled the question.

https://www.heartmath.org/articles-of-the-heart/science-of-the-heart/making-emotions/ 
“McCraty explains that research has shown changes in heart-rhythm patterns clearly reflect when an individual is experiencing positive or negative emotions. For example, the research shows, sustained positive emotions are associated with a noticeably coherent, smooth and balanced heart-rhythm pattern. In contrast, negative emotions are reflected by a jagged, erratic pattern.”

Hmm! So, was my physical heart broken after too many sad and stressful times? Maybe. But, now I am in this place in my life and I must do what I can, with God’s help, to continue working on healing me, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. I continue to be a work in progress 

The great blessing during the first four days of April and after are the people who were and are there for me. As I lay in the first ER, before hearing the shocking news of being in afib I had texted my friend and neighbor Catherine, and a friend from church, Philomena. They both arrived quickly and almost the same time. What a comfort and help they were; and still a comfort by being my good friends.
During my stay in the Telemetry area of the other hospital several others came to see me. All offered to help in any way I needed. Thank you Paula, Ann, Ed and Carolyn, Tammy and David, Carole and Dan. My friend Judy came to spend time with me, especially the day of the procedure to connect the pacemaker to my heart’s electrical system! And she came the next morning to be with me until I was discharged, then drove me home making sure I was ok before she left.
My brother arrived from Michigan a few hours after I got home, and he stayed with me for two weeks. I wasn’t able to drive that first two weeks so he drove. As he was there over Easter we had a lovely Easter brunch at a nice local restaurant. I love him so much, and thank God for bringing him into my life.
I went back to work part time the week after I got home from hospital and the staff were awesome and caring. It did me good to get back, even part time to have my mind on something else. Between that and my brother being here with me those first two weeks I know it helped my recovery.
It is 3 months since and I am doing good. Feeling like a new person and in wonderment each day as I feel and think differently. Amazing how something that seems so bad can turn out to be so good.
Thank you God.

Heart Smile

April 1st 2017 was the end of my life as I knew it, and the beginning of a new me. This was not God playing a April Fools joke on me!

It could have truly been the end of my life had I not called 911. I knew something was really wrong as I was having a second episode like I had on March 30th, which I, and the paramedics thought was a major anxiety/panic attach. This time I called 911 and said I might be having a heart attack. Very soon there were about 8 men and I think a woman in my apartment, from the fire department and EMT. They connected me to a machine (?EKG) and did a bunch of other things before putting me on a stretcher and taking me to the ER.

Once there I was connected to an IV and other machines, and a couple tests done. The doctor came in and told me I was in atrial fibrillation, he was going to call a cardiologist and see what he wanted done. The decision was made to get me to the Telemetry unit at the other campus of this hospital (St. Francis Bons Secour) where they have all the updated and appropriate machines for cardiac issues. Once there I was given meds and connected to more machines. A cardiologist came in to see me. He said I would most likely have to have a pacemaker, and yes be on special drugs the rest of my life!! It still hurts to say those words. The first 3 days all kinds of tests were done and apparently I was going in and out of afib. Another cardiologist saw me the next day also mentioning a pacemaker. On day 3 he confirmed I would have to have one! Totally shocking to suddenly hear I would have to have a mechanical device inserted into my body and be on special drugs the rest of my life. I told him right up front that I hate drugs and seriously dislike drug companies. My life, as I knew it, ended. Yet I was and am still alive. Trying to process this is still part of the beginning of this new journey.

More to follow Heart Smile

My Observations

I made notes on specific days and going to leave them as I wrote on the dates.

Saturday 2/25/17
It’s sunny, 72 and very windy out today as I sit in my local BN Café, reading, people watching, and listening to bits of conversations; and daydreaming. There were two gentlemen around my age sitting at a table chatting over coffee. They meet here fairly frequently, but since I don’t get here that often while working the full time contract job, my times and theirs don’t sync. I only hear little snatches of their conversation about politics, their children, and a variety of other topics. One of them looks interesting!  Hey, I’m not dead!

Sunday 3/12/17
Here I am again at BN Café …Sunday afternoon, the day time changed, springing forward one hour! As typical on a weekend day here at the café there are a lot people. Lucky to find a place to sit. There is an older couple each engrossed in their own reader/tablet, an old man sitting alone reading, I think waiting for his spouse. A young couple sitting next to me…she seems to be studying from a large text book, he also but too busy texting…the girl can’t seem to stop talking (not in a soft quiet voice). There is a woman, maybe in her 50s, sitting alone while her grown son is off by himself among the magazines. A variety of people mostly reading with their drink, some with laptops, another young couple – she is painting on a canvas, he is reading. I was reading for a bit then my eyes got tired so I decided to watch others and write.

WOW! I look up and here comes Wendy. She has things to do on her laptop and so we decide to sit at a double table so we can each do our thing, yet communicate. We haven’t seen each other in a long time.

SO, BACK TO “WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?”

Still working at City of Greenville until April 28th, getting projects done at home, looking for another place to live (maybe, only God knows), involved in things through church, socializing with friends. This month the Gilmore Girls are in town so Catherine and I will be spending a good amount of time with them.

I’m also reading the book Uninvited (Living Loved, when you feel less than, left out, and lonely) by Lysa TerKeurst. Just what I need at this time as I struggle to stop feeling rejected. I am not as sensitive these days with those feelings. But, this book is helping to understand.

Also trying to change eating habits and maybe get into the Mediterranean way of eating. That will take some studying and trying recipes. Just have to get my body in better shape by eating healthier and exercising.

Gradually becoming less of a procrastinator and actually accomplishing the to do’s on my list. Maybe I should start a STAR board and add a star for each accomplishment. Might be encouraging!

I wrote this early December 2016.  I thought it would be a longer piece of its own, but it seems like it was the beginning of a new journey!  Maybe!

Currently I am reading Heaven by Randy Acorn, Mere Christianity by CS Lewis, for Church – Divine Renovation by Father James Mallon, and finished Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert.
This fits in with my #3 Strength – Intellection. I love reading and learning, and much of it inspires my Futuristic strength. I don’t like to rush through reading these types of books. As I read a little at a time I sometimes find similar or identical thoughts by the different authors, even when the theme of their books differ.
I’ve been transitioning within myself most of my life. I’ve lived in many places including abroad, and travelled quite a bit, so I think I have a little gypsy in me. A few years ago I realized I must have been searching for HOME when I happened on Greenville SC. I thought it was just a great place to make day trips and occasional weekends away from where I was living at the time. Then one day I realized it was THE PLACE where I felt AT HOME. A few years later I was able to move here.
Greenville is not perfect as a city, not paradise, but it is a wonderful, blessed place to live; and make wonderful new friends and friendly acquaintances.
The various temp jobs were great while waiting for a great permanent part-time job. They afforded me the joy of meeting more great people. I don’t need to be rich, but I do need to have the extra quality personal time to read, learn, be inspired, and write.
Where do I go from here?
I continue to transition into better habits and see my path to a more creative life.
It’s a busy time of year. In addition to the normal life things to deal with there is a new lease contract to read through, and health insurance notices/updates for the coming new year to read through!!! Those are not things I like doing, but they have to be done. There are things at church I am involved in, social responsibilities, and working full time contract work with the City of Greenville again until some time next year.
Until things settle down within the job and life stuff I find it is difficult to take the quality time I need to get through more reading, and back to writing on a regular basis. Oh well the time will come.

Until next post..love and blessings to all.  May you all find your own path.

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Lovely Entrance Exit by Ann Marquette

I wrote and posted this almost a year ago and decided it might be good to repost it. Hope it will have some meaning for you and maybe even bring a smile to your heart.

Ann Marquette

I write this as I look at myself, through my own lens.  Some who know me may say “Oh yes, you are that…judgmental.”  And sadly I will agree with you.  Recently the little voice inside told me I was doing that a lot, not as much verbally, but a lot mentally.  So I asked God to please forgive me all the times I have judged someone or a situation, and to help me stop.

I think about when the time comes and I stand before God, how will He judge me!  Thankfully I know He forgives me, and that brings me to Forgiveness.  It is so important that I continue to forgive others whether they actually hurt me, or the hurt is only imagined.

So, I have been practicing to stop the judgemental thinking at the start and I want to share the joys of becoming open minded.

One day…

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A Blank Slate for 2017

BELIEVE

Believe by Ann Marquette

It is time to call it quits with social media and will deactivate my FB account Saturday night (4 days from now).  I will begin the New Year with A Blank Slate” for a clean heart, clear mind, and open spirit.  

I give it all to you, Lord Jesus
This mind
This soul
This heart
The spirit within
I am letting go

Letting it all go
All the muddled thoughts
All the mixed emotions
All the confused feelings
Too much, too many
Have scarred the very essence
Of this being

I give to you
This empty vessel
This blank slate
For you to make it new
For you to fill it up
Fill it to overflowing
With Your goodness
Your grace
Your light
Your love

Write what you will
On this blank slate
That is me
Waiting to be cleansed
And renewed
With Your Spirit, Lord Jesus

Copyright October 24, 2008

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