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Posts Tagged ‘sad’

A red rose with dewdrops Français : Une rose r...

Two years ago today…

I remember the relief when we got the news that Mother quietly left this world, because she was finally able to go home to Jesus as she had wanted for so many years.  She suffered long enough.

Looking at last year’s post for remembering her I decided it says what I would say again. **********************

On this morning a year ago, my mother quietly passed from this life into God’s arms. She wanted it so badly for many years.

We had our differences over the years, but although we were never close, we forgave each other the hurts we caused.

It was very sad when we found out she had Alzheimer’s. She didn’t have the best life and my heart-felt so bad for her. I have occasionally thought about writing for her “Mother~You Deserved a Better Life.”

She was the last of eight children…six girls and two boys. All are gone now, including their spouses. I wish I would have thought, many years ago when they were all alive to start asking questions about mother…the things they knew about her. Writing about her would mostly come from my own memories or things I think I remember she told me.

I did know that she gave birth to me out-of-wedlock, and the details were sketchy, until…

The time came when we had to put mother in assisted living. We found a very nice place which looked like a hotel. Her doctor even recommended it, and no that doctor was not assigned to that home. We, my brother and I, made all the arrangements with the home including which room she would be in and had some new furniture delivered there for her.
In conversations with the staff there, and other people we knew who had to put a relative in an Alzheimer’s assisted living facility we knew not to tell mother what was going to happen. The staff at the home said to bring her for lunch and that they would be around to help us when the time came to tell mother she would not be going back home.
God that hurts just writing it. It broke our hearts to have to put her there, but the doctor told us she should have been in about a year sooner.

So we told her we were taking her out to lunch, and since the dining room was on the first floor just like a hotel she would not think anything of it. She did mention a couple of times about all the old people there and so many in wheel chairs; but then immediately forgot about it. We had it arranged that when lunch was over and we were ready, the lady who was going to be mother’s daytime caregiver would come and offer to take us on a “tour.”
Then once we were in “mother’s room” we would tell her the news. I am not going there today.

Anyway, when we finished lunch and dessert we had some coffee and conversation. With Alzheimer’s the memories go, beginning with the most current so gradually they begin remembering older experiences. At one point mother looked at me and said something that I never knew, and my brother had never heard it either. She said “I am so glad I did not have you aborted!” Talk about shock! She told us that she had been raped (another shock) and was how she got pregnant with me. She said two of her siblings (she could not remember which ones) told her she should have an abortion. Apparently she had agreed. When they took her to have it done, as she was about to walk through the door to the room she decided she could not go through with it. So, she gave birth to me and kept me. It was not an easy life for her.  And then she ended up having to go through this horrible illness and be in assisted living for four years.

You deserved a better life mother, but I know you now have the best life.

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On Good Friday we remember that the son of God, Jesus Christ was scourged, and nailed to a cross to die for us.  He went through the excruciating pain and died that our sins be forgiven.

Last night the top part of the Bing cherry tree out front was cut down, and this morning the trunk of it was brought down.  It was sad, yet it had to be done.  Now the front of the house is more visible with the extra light.  So, we begin anew.

Here are some photos of it coming down.

 

Coming down by Ann Marquette

Top Gone by Ann Marquette

The Naked Trunk by Ann Marquette

Time for Body to Fall by Ann Marquette

All Gone by Ann Marquette

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 I was sad that I had to cancel my trip to Greenville this weekend for the art festival. Just the gas to drive there and back would cost me $60 which I just cannot spend that right now. I am even careful where I drive around here locally…not too far.

So this weekend I am spending quiet time in prayer and reflection here at the house…NO TELEVISION.

I DID HAVE A SURPRISE THIS MORNING…

This morning I noticed a MESS AT THE END OF THE WALKWAY to my house..

Hmm! who made this mess (photo by Ann Marquette)

“IT IS YOU”

It Is You by Ann Marquette

MAKING YOUR NEST…

Making Your Nest by Ann Marquette

 

The nest is in fairly low branches RIGHT ABOVE my sidewalk.  She is eats lots of the berries from the tree and poops all over my car and parking spots.

Had to take my car to the car wash and will not be parking under the tree for a while.

 What was really cool this morning when I saw her out there, I went out the door with the camera and she never flew away.  Just went about her business gathering stuff for her nest.  Even looked up at me a couple of times.

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Jesus with children, early 1900s Bible illustr...

Image via Wikipedia

On this morning a year ago, my mother quietly passed from this life into God’s arms. She wanted it so badly for many years.

We had our differences over the years, but although we were never close, we forgave each other the hurts we caused.

It was very sad when we found out she had Alzheimer’s. She didn’t have the best life and my heart-felt so bad for her. I have occasionally thought about writing for her “Mother~You Deserved a Better Life.”

She was the last of eight children…six girls and two boys. All are gone now, including their spouses. I wish I would have thought, many years ago when they were all alive to start asking questions about mother…the things they knew about her. Writing about her would mostly come from my own memories or things I think I remember she told me.

I did know that she gave birth to me out of wedlock, and the details were sketchy, until…

The time came when we had to put mother in assisted living. We found a very nice place which looked like a hotel. Her doctor even recommended it, and no that doctor was not assigned to that home. We, my brother and I, made all the arrangements with the home including which room she would be in and had some new furniture delivered there for her.
In conversations with the staff there, and other people we knew who had to put a relative in an Alzheimer’s assisted living facility we knew not to tell mother what was going to happen. The staff at the home said to bring her for lunch and that they would be around to help us when the time came to tell mother she would not be going back home.
God that hurts just writing it. It broke our hearts to have to put her there, but the doctor told us she should have been in about a year sooner.

So we told her we were taking her out to lunch, and since the dining room was on the first floor just like a hotel she would not think anything of it. She did mention a couple of times about all the old people there and so many in wheel chairs; but then immediately forgot about it. We had it arranged that when lunch was over and we were ready, the lady who was going to be mother’s daytime caregiver would come and offer to take us on a “tour.”
Then once we were in “mother’s room” we would tell her the news. I am not going there today.

Anyway, when we finished lunch and dessert we had some coffee and conversation. With Alzheimer’s the memories go, beginning with the most current so gradually they begin remembering older experiences. At one point mother looked at me and said something that I never knew, and my brother had never heard it either. She said “I am so glad I did not have you aborted!” Talk about shock! She told us that she had been raped (another shock) and was how she got pregnant with me. She said two of her siblings (she could not remember which ones) told her she should have an abortion. Apparently she had agreed. When they took her to have it done, as she was about to walk through the door to the room she decided she could not go through with it. So, she gave birth to me and kept me. It was not an easy life for her.  And then she ended up having to go through this horrible illness and be in assisted living for four years.

When my brother and I were told by the staff at the home that mother had passed, we actually felt relief for her because we knew she was now where she wanted to be.
“Bless you mother.”

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The Child in Me

You have awakened
The child in me

She was lost…
Scared…
Sad…
Angry…
She was so lonely

She now looks forward
To each new day
To the excitement of the unknown
To what surprises are around the corner

She can now hug herself
Love herself…
And now…
Really love another

She knows she is precious
In your sight
Your are so very precious to her
And she cherishes you
With all her heart.

April 2004

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It began very well. I got up and started a bit earlier than usual, which I have been trying to do. Thanks to a friend who gave me a wake up call this morning I made it
After taking care of a few things around the house I went out for a few groceries and stopped to check in on a sick friend.

On the drive to the grocery store I thought about calling Mother to talk. Of course, I couldn’t because she passed away in April. I have been having those thoughts lately and initially they are pleasant thoughts. Then I remember how we were never close and didn’t have a good relationship. As I got older more information from her past made me realize why she was the way she was. It was very sad when she developed Alzheimer’s and eventually had to be placed in an assisted living facility. So many times I think “she deserved a better life.”

Today’s Oprah was a full hour with Marie Osmond talking about her son, Michael. She told what a great person he was; smart, happy, joyful, and full of fun. He cared so much for others. Yet he had difficulty with drugs and depression through many years of his life before he committed suicide this past February. He called her the night before and said he didn’t feel as if he had any friends.
Marie told how she felt during a time of post partum  depression. She believed everyone would be better off without her, but she would realize that was not true.

Our minds and hearts are very fragile. So many people, even those who seem so beautiful, popular, smart, and have it all together have moments of vulnerability. They too can feel unloved, unappreciated, lack self-confidence, and invisible. Most are only fleeting episodes, and some who become depressed can come out of it quickly.

Yet there are so many who hide their depression by acting happy and self-confident, but are really hurting inside. They know most people don’t really want to know if someone is having a bad day, because they are too busy and have their own lives to deal with. So, the hurt and loneliness go unspoken until it becomes too hard to endure. Such a sad place to be, and it is becoming more and more prominent in our society.

So this evening has been deeply internal for me. I can empathize with those who go through this kind of sadness, and my heart hurts for them.

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