Archive for April 16th, 2012

A red rose with dewdrops Français : Une rose r...

Two years ago today…

I remember the relief when we got the news that Mother quietly left this world, because she was finally able to go home to Jesus as she had wanted for so many years.  She suffered long enough.

Looking at last year’s post for remembering her I decided it says what I would say again. **********************

On this morning a year ago, my mother quietly passed from this life into God’s arms. She wanted it so badly for many years.

We had our differences over the years, but although we were never close, we forgave each other the hurts we caused.

It was very sad when we found out she had Alzheimer’s. She didn’t have the best life and my heart-felt so bad for her. I have occasionally thought about writing for her “Mother~You Deserved a Better Life.”

She was the last of eight children…six girls and two boys. All are gone now, including their spouses. I wish I would have thought, many years ago when they were all alive to start asking questions about mother…the things they knew about her. Writing about her would mostly come from my own memories or things I think I remember she told me.

I did know that she gave birth to me out-of-wedlock, and the details were sketchy, until…

The time came when we had to put mother in assisted living. We found a very nice place which looked like a hotel. Her doctor even recommended it, and no that doctor was not assigned to that home. We, my brother and I, made all the arrangements with the home including which room she would be in and had some new furniture delivered there for her.
In conversations with the staff there, and other people we knew who had to put a relative in an Alzheimer’s assisted living facility we knew not to tell mother what was going to happen. The staff at the home said to bring her for lunch and that they would be around to help us when the time came to tell mother she would not be going back home.
God that hurts just writing it. It broke our hearts to have to put her there, but the doctor told us she should have been in about a year sooner.

So we told her we were taking her out to lunch, and since the dining room was on the first floor just like a hotel she would not think anything of it. She did mention a couple of times about all the old people there and so many in wheel chairs; but then immediately forgot about it. We had it arranged that when lunch was over and we were ready, the lady who was going to be mother’s daytime caregiver would come and offer to take us on a “tour.”
Then once we were in “mother’s room” we would tell her the news. I am not going there today.

Anyway, when we finished lunch and dessert we had some coffee and conversation. With Alzheimer’s the memories go, beginning with the most current so gradually they begin remembering older experiences. At one point mother looked at me and said something that I never knew, and my brother had never heard it either. She said “I am so glad I did not have you aborted!” Talk about shock! She told us that she had been raped (another shock) and was how she got pregnant with me. She said two of her siblings (she could not remember which ones) told her she should have an abortion. Apparently she had agreed. When they took her to have it done, as she was about to walk through the door to the room she decided she could not go through with it. So, she gave birth to me and kept me. It was not an easy life for her.  And then she ended up having to go through this horrible illness and be in assisted living for four years.

You deserved a better life mother, but I know you now have the best life.


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Yellow tulip Русский: Желтый тюльпан

Yellow tulip (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A few days ago I posted that I would be away, at least for a while.  I needed time alone, frequently in the dark, time to reflect on a recent issue that came up and my life in general.

At one point, a light came on in my mind and spirit.  I realized that the issue, bad as it was, that I was learning a lesson mostly unrelated to the issue.  It strengthened my reserve to be more disciplined and focused, to organize my time better in order to accomplish not just the daily things, but especially to do what God has been telling me to do…WRITE 🙂

I found a book in Barnes & Noble the other day titled “anything” by jennie allen (yes she spells it all with lower case).  It is about her journey and “the prayer that unlocked my God and my Soul.”   Although her website says it will be in stores Spring 2012, well it is Spring and it is in the stores.  http://jennieallen.com/projects/anything I also recommend you watch the 3 minute video clip on her site.

So, one afternoon I went to Starbucks, got a Grande coffee, and set out in the sunshine while I read and made notes as I remembered parts of my own life.

I will always be learning lessons, and aiming to be better…as a person, a friend, sister, volunteer, writer, blogger, in whatever capacity I am in this life, and mostly as one of God’s children.

I thank all of you who replied to my last post on April 10th with all your kind thoughts and encouragement.  YOU DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

I am so grateful for these times which make me look at my life, to know my faults and learn from them, to know that no matter how imperfect I am God loves me and sends others in my life who lift me up with their love and encouragement.

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