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Archive for November, 2010

Well, it is the end of November and all is well. It has been a good month and extra special ending. I am so grateful for the extended local family including me in their Thanksgiving Day dinner, and other family celebrations throughout the year. I’m grateful for all the lovely birthday wishes from so many friends and family. And, of course, I’m thankful for my health, joy, peace, finances to pay the bills and food for nourishment; for the sunshine and the rain; rivers and waterfalls, and oceans; the flowers and trees; for all the amazing experiences of my life.

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I went to my favorite city, a 2 hour drive from where I live, for the weekend. The weather was perfect for me…crisp and sunny.
As usual people were out walking around downtown, along the river which runs through it, the waterfall and the park. Some had their dogs with them as it is a dog friendly downtown…which I love.
There were some who sat outside Starbucks on Main Street enjoying their coffee and visiting with others. I found some new friends there so we visited for awhile. They have an adorable little dog named Pumpkin.
Saturday evening my birthday was celebrated over dinner at some friends’ home, along with their grown daughter, her husband and 5 year old cute and fun little girl who are also my friends.
Yesterday I spent time around downtown taking photos, getting plenty of exercise walking, and just enjoyed BEING…alive, healthy, happy, peaceful.

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The Child in Me

You have awakened
The child in me

She was lost…
Scared…
Sad…
Angry…
She was so lonely

She now looks forward
To each new day
To the excitement of the unknown
To what surprises are around the corner

She can now hug herself
Love herself…
And now…
Really love another

She knows she is precious
In your sight
Your are so very precious to her
And she cherishes you
With all her heart.

April 2004

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November 25 – Thanksgiving Day

What a beautiful day…sunny and mild temperatures.
I had Thanksgiving dinner with friends. There was so much yummy food. I did pretty well. I ate only small portions and stopped before indulging in more. And I only had a small amount of pie.
I was encouraged to be good after weighing in this morning showed I am now 5 lbs lighter…yippee!
I spoke with some family, who live in another state, so that was a gift. I’m so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life.

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The first today was waking up to enjoy another day. I am grateful that I am well, the day was lovely, I have a nice place to live, can pay the bills, eat, exercise, the times I can help others. Thanks to a friend who called this morning to chat. I love hearing her voice.
I am grateful to each of you for stopping by and especially to those of you who leave a comment. I love hearing from you.

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A strangely great weekend considering I “felt” like I was in a slump. And so I was for awhile.

As for many people this can be a bit of a sad time of year for me.
It begins with this being my birthday month, other surrounding events, and my perception of someone else’s attitude about my involvement with their families.
Notice I said “my perception.” I am not going into details, but for the past few years my sensitivity to this potential perception has made me a bit uncertain in their presence.

Since this year’s goal is to transform various parts of myself, I’ve been thinking a lot about this situation. I remember occasions in the past when I was thinking of something totally unrelated and someone else thought I had an issue with them. These are the reasons I believe when we think there is an issue with someone we should discuss it instead of letting it hurt our spirits. Thinking of this I had to smile because most of the time when we think something is wrong, or going to be bad, it’s not.

If another person seems to have an issue with us, maybe it is because we said or did something which they perceived in a negative way when it was not meant that way or for them at all.

How many of us miss out on great relationships because our perception about something did not match reality, and we didn’t ask.

I am so grateful for the time to climb out of a slump and rise up to joy.

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I spent a little time writing this morning. Then I went to buy a few stones to finish the back garden.

Had a great conversation this afternoon with a business contact about an idea he has to help the unemployed think out of the box and find alternative ways to find work. The first part of the process is to know which of our skills/strengths/talents do we enjoy doing most and how can we use those to serve and add value to others. His idea is very interesting, and has me thinking outside the box.

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This weeks Ah Ha moments:
I AM happy with myself and my accomplishments throughout my life. I do not want to be anyone else. I want to be completely who I really am, and a better me.

I have never wanted to be someone else; however, I have been searching for that special PLACE, where I truly FEEL at HOME, where I KNOW it is HOME for me.

Asking God, “What can I do for someone else this Christmas?”
The answer, “Write a Christmas story”
Asking God, “what will I write for the story?”
AND another Ah Ha moment came in the answer “Write Little One’s Christmas story.”

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November 16 – Smell of Autumn

There are lovely colored leaves on the ground from the various trees out front…especially the Maple tree.

I love the Autumn time of year as God’s palette changes the colors, the breeze move the leaves so they can no longer hold on and they drift to the ground. I love the sound the leaves make when we walk through them.

I remember recently hearing or reading about the outdoor smell this time of year.   I didn’t remember experiencing that scent so far this year, nor in recent years past. And then it happened. Today as I walked to the mailbox and back…there it was the smell of Autumn….and my heart smiled.

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I don’t remember ever wanting to be someone else. But, I was always insecure and lacking of self-confidence. Over the years since my early 20’s I have worked at becoming a better person, and different from my mother.

So many children grow up to have many of the same traits and habits of their parents. Even though some parents are not bad people, some of us have seen our parents act in ways we don’t care to emulate. I am one of those.

As I grew older I gradually realized why my mother said and did the things which hurt me. She had things happen to her which affected her deeply. She did not understand herself and could not even admit she acted the way she did to me and my brother.

Thankfully my understanding gave way to forgiveness. My heart went out to her when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, even though we had never grown close. My brother and I eventually had to put her in an Alzheimer’s assisted living home. That was so sad. She really did deserve a better life than she had, and a happier last few years. She passed into Heavenly peace in April this year.

On January 1st this year I made the decision to spend this year working on my own transformation. I want to be the kind of person God wants me to be. I knew I wanted to develop better habits, improve myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. It won’t happen over night, but with daily working on the various changes even at least one of them each day I will get there.

Yesterday (November 15, 2010) I heard Joyce Meyer ask the question “Are you happy with yourself, or trying to be someone else?” It was an AH HA moment for me as I thought about my own personal answer.

There have been many things I’ve not liked about myself. Yet today, as I think of the progress I’ve made over the years and I realize, I do like myself. I’m proud of how far I’ve come over the many years to become a better person, gaining wisdom, and I hope a more loving heart.

I don’t want to be someone else. I just want to be me, who I am meant to be. I am happy with myself ~ and even happier with each accomplishments along the way to a better me.

November 15, 2010

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November 15 – An Amazing Day

I planned to finish spreading the rocks on the other half of my little back plot of ground. However, it rained all day and it will be raining all day tomorrow.

Then a special thing happened. I heard Joyce Meyer ask the question “Are you happy with yourself, or trying to be someone else?” As I thought about the answer for me personally I had an ‘Ah ha!’ moment. Then I was inspired to write about it.
When I finished writing I decided to take a break. I went to Barnes & Noble and treated myself to a double chocolate brownie from Starbucks to enjoy while walking around the book store and the music section. I was scoping out all the wonderful new Christmas CDs by some of my favorite artists, then checked out the many Christmas story books.

While enjoying this break I started wondering if there is anything special I could do for someone for Christmas. Then I thought maybe I should write a special Christmas story. Ideas began walking through my brain.

It came to me, that I should write a Christmas Story for Little One (the protagonist in my first book “Little One~End of Journey Alone). I started the second book awhile back and wrote a short story “Little One Learns about Thanksgiving and Christmas” to be part of that story.

I have been on fire today with various writing ideas. I am so grateful for the amazing joy of this day.

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A friend who was sick all week was feeling better and really wanted to get out. We were going to take a walk along a trail behind her apartment complex, but she didn’t feel she could manage the hills. So I suggested we go to our favorite Mall and walk around there where we could stop and sit for a bit if she got tired. She liked that idea. She can’t drive so I picked her up and off we went. We got plenty of slow walking in, stopping occasionally to look around in some of the new stores. The mall and some of the stores simply decorated for Christmas. In the center of the mall they already had the tree and Santa’s place in operation. Children already getting their pictures taken with Santa.

After a few hours we then went up to the Food Court and had a yummy burger from Johnny Rocket’s. Then we headed home, after a really good time out and still getting our exercise.

Today I had to get out back – my little patch of ground inside the fence behind my townhouse. I had already removed most of the plants, painted the fence, and raked the ground. So, today I put down the black fabric to protect from weeds growing. Then it was time to empty the bags of river stones and spread them over the fabric. I finished the rocks on one side. Still have the other side to finish…tomorrow.

I am so grateful for a fun and productive weekend.

Now I am getting teary eyed watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition.

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This was written in 2004.  Not meant to be sad, but a lovely memory.  The artwork is shared with permission of artist Michael Cox.  Thank you my friend.

With permission of the artist Michael Cox

Together

It is cold and desolate in this silent place
All alone in the moonlight

The stars are too far away in time and space
I cry out but no one hears, no one sees me
I’m all alone in the moonlight

I see your face as I see the moon ~
Clear and bright, then veiled by thin wisps of cloud,
And not at all when hidden behind dense clouds,
and then…You appear again clear and bright
For a few brief moments it feels warm and special,
In this silent place
Yet I am still alone in the moonlight.

Somewhere across space and time
We have met very long ago
Long before we found each other
And in this space and time
For a few brief moments,
I was not alone in the moonlight.

A special connection created an everlasting bond
And yet, as quickly we found each other, we had to part.
I am again alone in the moonlight.

©March 2004

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November 12 – Happy Friday

Isn’t it funny…when we don’t even have a job, we still look forward to the weekends.
I do need to find a job in the near future. It is a tough time to look for work, but I will keep looking.

I would love to reinvent myself and find another means of finances, but I have no idea what else I could do. What I love doing does not pay.
I am grateful for my blessings.

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It began very well. I got up and started a bit earlier than usual, which I have been trying to do. Thanks to a friend who gave me a wake up call this morning I made it
After taking care of a few things around the house I went out for a few groceries and stopped to check in on a sick friend.

On the drive to the grocery store I thought about calling Mother to talk. Of course, I couldn’t because she passed away in April. I have been having those thoughts lately and initially they are pleasant thoughts. Then I remember how we were never close and didn’t have a good relationship. As I got older more information from her past made me realize why she was the way she was. It was very sad when she developed Alzheimer’s and eventually had to be placed in an assisted living facility. So many times I think “she deserved a better life.”

Today’s Oprah was a full hour with Marie Osmond talking about her son, Michael. She told what a great person he was; smart, happy, joyful, and full of fun. He cared so much for others. Yet he had difficulty with drugs and depression through many years of his life before he committed suicide this past February. He called her the night before and said he didn’t feel as if he had any friends.
Marie told how she felt during a time of post partum  depression. She believed everyone would be better off without her, but she would realize that was not true.

Our minds and hearts are very fragile. So many people, even those who seem so beautiful, popular, smart, and have it all together have moments of vulnerability. They too can feel unloved, unappreciated, lack self-confidence, and invisible. Most are only fleeting episodes, and some who become depressed can come out of it quickly.

Yet there are so many who hide their depression by acting happy and self-confident, but are really hurting inside. They know most people don’t really want to know if someone is having a bad day, because they are too busy and have their own lives to deal with. So, the hurt and loneliness go unspoken until it becomes too hard to endure. Such a sad place to be, and it is becoming more and more prominent in our society.

So this evening has been deeply internal for me. I can empathize with those who go through this kind of sadness, and my heart hurts for them.

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